The Morning After...

I still don't feel that I have got out everything I wanted to. But I'm not sure what else I want to say. It is 8:12am and I am at school. I came in early so that I could blog before the other staff arrived. I know that I am still feeling frustrated by yesterdays meeting. I got a text message last night but didn't know what to reply so wrote nothing. Now I'm wondering what mixed messages people are receiving from me and as much as I don't want them to read these blogs, if they do, I feel that they will have a better understanding of what happened yesterday and why I reacted the way that I did. I didn't have the spark that I usually have when I got up this morning. I was looking forward to my Year 8 class period 1, because at the moment we have been doing some really fun activities and they have been amusing and insightful in their responses to my lessons. Their little personalities are starting to flourish and it is at this time each year that they latch their little hooks into me and it makes me want to keep teaching them forever. Unlike Terms 1 and 2 when I want a new class already.

I just feel a bit lost today. I feel like just reading a book in a nice quiet place which I realise more and more is what I do when I want to hide away from the world. That's also the reason why I could never live in the Big Brother house.

This blog isn't really getting me anywhere. The things I want to say I'm too scared to say because now I don't know who is reading this. I don't feel that this is my private thinking place anymore, but I also don't feel that I should have to move blog addresses, instead I want to kick out all the squatters who have come along and plonked themselves into my debrief zone- a place, as I described in yesterdays blog, where I don't have to censor myself or be rash, just, fair, forgiving and think "Mmm, what will such and such think if I write that?". Or, I don't want to read my emails or comments in case they are nasty or critical.

I need everyone to just leave my blog alone for a bit so that I can reclaim it as mine. I want to write honestly and openly again because at the moment, the therapeutic effect of blogging is getting trampled by the worry and concern that rises in me each time I think "what if...?" about my blog audience.

Anyway...I'll think on this a bit more.

Bye for now,
M x