It all comes crashing down again...and so I blog!

I haven't blogged in such a long time and so one can only assume that everything is going along swimmingly. Yes, indeed this has been the truth. I have been loving my curriculum, loving my classes, liking my Year 8's and counting down to the end of term. I'm really loving the weather too and the opportunity to wear some of my Spring collection :) Then I received a letter in my pidgeon hole from the Principal it said, written in red pen- see previous posts re: critical literacy of red pen use!-

M,
Can you see me P6 Weds please 7/9?
Thanks, Y

A few thoughts went through my mind. It must be the lunchtime activities program, maybe they want to ask me if I'll do it again next year, then I thought maybe I had done something wrong. But I've been on my best behaviour lately so I'm not sure it was that. I secretly wished that she had used a smiling face or frowny face to give me a visual indicator that it was a good or bad meeting. At least some way of preparing myself...
But instead it was this...My family leave position will end next year because the person I am replacing has decided to come back. Then she adds, but don't dispair, student enrollments are expected to rise so there might be a job for you. So I feel better. Then she says, but there are a number of staff whose family leave people are returning so you will be competing for these jobs....and so I slump again. Her final words were, I just wanted to tell you because we all have plans to make! Whatever that means.
My biggest dilemma (that I am now realising after a slight and brief sprinkling of tears ) is the mixed emotions I am feeling.
Emotion #1: Thank God, now I can leave this place!
Emotion #2: I'm meant to be the one ditching you guys, not the other way around.
Emotion #3: I feel like I have just be dumped like a Year 9 school girl
Emotion #4: I feel rejected by the place that I put so much of my time, effort and heart in to
Emotion #5: Quick get on the internet and find a new job
Emotion #6: Maybe now is the time to go part time like I have been considering for a bit and do some CRT as well
Emotion #7: What's the point of going to staff meetings and Year 9 program meetings for 2006 when I don't even know if I'll be here
Emotion #8: I think I better blog.

And that's where I'm up to. Now I have 35 minutes to toughen up my exterior before going to the 2006 budget planning meeting. Finally when I make the decision to stay here next year, after all the uncertainty I've had lately, it gets thrown back in my face. I sometimes find my pricipal is too concerned about being "Little Miss equity and fairness" that she forgets she is dealing with people who just want an indication of how they are going. Will I get the job if I go for it? Will it be ongoing or contract? Will I get paid over the holidays? All these things suck not knowing. I have enough confidence in myself and my ability (at times inflated, currently a little deflated however) that I will get a job here if I go for it or if not here then at another school. But it is all the feelings leading up to the application that really make me annoyed and frustrated. Perhaps now I can truly empathise (and enter into the debate) about contracts in education. I feel like my naughty students who are on conduct cards and contracts and if they don't do the right thing at the right time their time is up and they get shoved off to the next school...or worse!
Okay M, get over it! And do the best damn job you can to make sure these bastards employ you next year! Yeah, go team....eeerrgg??

Bye for now,
M x